Out of the Darkness

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: Out of the Darkness Walk -   9-17-11
Elizabeth Ray

 
You don’t “get over it” in a year.  Or 2.  Or 32.

To be a survivor of suicide loss means struggling through months and years, feeling like you’re going through the motions of living, but you’re not among the living. 

In your grief, you feel separated – by anguish you wouldn’t wish on anyone.  It’s compounded by feeling like you can’t talk about it. Because here’s the problem:

Unlike a loss through any other cause of death, people are uneasy discussing suicide.

It was true for me in 1979 when I lost my beloved friend to suicide.  Sadly, it is still true today.

I was fortunate, in my grief, to make the connection to Foundation 2 here in Cedar Rapids. I am indebted to their compassionate crisis counselors who helped me work through emotions that engulfed me, emotions I had trouble admitting to – like guilt and anger. Foundation 2 helped me take the first steps toward healing.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is dedicated to understanding and preventing suicide.  They have numerous resources for increasing awareness toward prevention, and having that starting discussion with someone who has experienced a suicide loss. I encourage everyone here to look at what AFSP has to offer, and also to be bolder than you might otherwise be comfortable, in reaching out to those who are aching from suicide loss.

It is said that we are all walking on broken floors.  For some, their brokenness is held tightly within, afraid to share for fear of shame or labeling. Their grief is wrapped in a solitary darkness.

That’s why today’s community walk is so important – to bring suicide out of the darkness.

And it must be illuminated, so we can learn how to help each other.

What we can see, we can discuss.  And that communication builds connections.

And connections heal hurting hearts.  And that healing strengthens us to do more for others,

to feel compassion for their problems,

and to continue with our lives in such a way that honors the life of the loved one

we carry in our heart forever.

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American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: Out of the Darkness Walk -  9-17-11
                                                             Larry Anspach

On April 10, 2008, I got that phone call that no parent, brother or sister, or friend should ever receive…..It was from the Cedar Rapids Police asking me to come home….they needed to talk to me.  No, they didn’t want to discuss it over the phone….they thought it would be best if I met them at home.    At that moment, I already knew what had happened since my daughter Jennifer had attempted before…..

In the days, weeks and months after Jennifer’s suicide, I quickly realized that in order to literally survive, I had to use all of the resources available to me.  One of those has been the “Suicide Survivor’s Support Group” organized under foundation 2 and facilitated by Nancy Oehlert, who has done just an incredible job for so many years. Nancy, thank you for all that you and Foundation 2 do for the community of survivors as well as those who are going through crisis.  The support group has been quite literally a “lifeline” for me and many others as we have navigated through the journey of recovery of the death of a loved one by suicide.  It represents one of two worlds that survivor’s live in.

I reflected a bit after last Tuesdays meeting.   Nancy and I agreed that there was a lot of pain in that room that night…..we had several new people join us, and that always refreshes our own personal memories of loss.    One would wonder, why do you go to a meeting that can cause you to relive so much pain?

First, I think it’s because pain isn’t necessarily a bad thing…..pain is a reminder that something has happened that needs our attention.  The revisited memories are reminders that our grief processes is not complete.  And for many of us, we come to the realization that while it may change with time, our grief will really never end.  And we come to a point where we can accept that.

Secondly, and just as important, we recall the first time we walked into that room of survivors.  We remember the incredible relief we felt when we realized that we were not alone; that others have been where we are, and that they understood our new world.

So we continue in our long, difficult, journey of dealing with the loss. But this can cause conflict and frankly, sometimes be an annoyance to some of our friends, family, coworkers and acquaintances who simply don’t understand the traumatic grief of suicide.  And in many ways, survivors are glad others don’t understand our pain…understanding comes from experience, and the experience of having a loved one take their own life is not one we would wish on anyone.  So, for many of us, we figure out how to live in these two worlds.

But living in two different worlds, we get two different messages….some spoken, but most are unspoken.  Those messages can make our already painful grief even more difficult to bear.

The heart of my message today is that this event, this walk brings those worlds together and it sends a loud and clear message about who we are.  I want to share with you the words that I so clearly I hear today.

Today, those of you who are here to show the survivor community support are saying.  “We may not completely understand what you are experiencing, but we want you to know that we care about your loss and your pain…”

And as we watch you admire the pictures and tokens of our loved on the memorial wall, we hear you say “We want to proudly celebrate your loved one’s life,” instead of only hearing the hushed talk about how they died…”

Because you care enough to invest your time and your money in this walk you tell us “We want to give you reason for hope and for encouragement instead of telling us to “just get over it…””

Because you make it a point to literally walk along side of us today in our journey, you say “We want you to know that you are not alone in your pain….instead of looking down and avoiding our gaze as we pass each other…”

Finally, because you ask us openly about the loved one we lost…..you say “Your son, or daughter, or husband or wife or friend was a valuable child of God who loved and was loved…..instead of having us feel as if they didn’t exist at all by your silence.

Along with the mixed messages, we survivors have our choices to make.  We can choose to stuff our pain, to listen to that one world that tells us to be quiet because you don’t talk about death, much less this kind of death…the same world whose silence amplifies our feelings of shame and our guilt….the world that tells us to get over it; to forget it, and by implication to forget our loved one.  Or we can choose to experience that pain, as difficult as it is, and use it as a tool to become better than the person we were the day before we got that phone call that forever changed our world.

Certainly we will forever be scarred by our loss.  We can’t change the events of the past…but I do believe we can choose to make this world a better place in spite of or perhaps even because of our painful experience.  We can become more compassionate….we can shift our values…. And we can decide to make a difference in a world often filled with inexplicable pain. Finally, we can choose to feel hope.

So, for all your spoken and unspoken words today; and the importance they have for survivors who are struggling to make those choices….I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, and on behalf of all my fellow survivors of suicide.